what to do with silence?

2011-12-05T10:47:00.000-08:00

daddy guard my heart and fight for me today.
daddy i want to rest today.

ohmyyyyyy

2011-11-18T14:25:00.001-08:00

11 things to know at 25(ish)

2011-09-19T23:31:00.001-07:00

so interesting...

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/whole-life/features/25956-11-things-to-know-at-25ish

left brain, right brain - ekko

2011-09-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

Refocussing / Dr. Dianne Divett
A Whole New Mind / by Daniel H. Pink
Dialogues with Silence / by Thomas Merton
A General Theory of Love / by Thomas Lewis
Prayer / by Richard Foster
The Spiritual Brain / by Beauregard & O’Leary
3 Ways the Brain creates meaning / Tom Wujec

http://bryansbrew.tumblr.com/post/10008397765/imagination-a-primer-for-faith

arkistry?

2011-08-30T16:25:00.000-07:00

whether i pray out loud or in a whisper is irrelevant;
God hears me clearly.

whether i have a good voice or not is irrelevant;
God hears me clearly.

shall i...?

true love

2011-08-27T21:07:00.001-07:00

"true love":

love that has been tested, over and over and over again,
but has faithfully proven itself to be steady and real.

some random thoughts from today

2011-08-25T12:19:00.001-07:00

Today is yesterday's tomorrow.
Today is also tomorrow's yesterday.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it BLAZE.
Did it occur to you, when you learn whatever you are learning, you are really learning about God? The masterpiece ALWAYS points to the Artist.
Philippians 3:12-14. SO BOMB.
We are all made in the image of God, but we are not made in the exact same image of Him. Each individual is the bearer of a unique image of God. As God is infinite, it is impossible for ONE individual, ONE family, ONE church, ONE denomination, ONE race, ONE culture, ONE nation, ONE continent to FULLY reveal ALL of God's glory. To really know God, we need to strive to know EVERY side of Him; that is why we need each other.

i love walking to school :)

dance, imagination, DANCE!!

2011-08-25T12:16:00.000-07:00

"lucy the valiant"

- c.s. lewis: the lion, the witch and the wardrobe

my patronus

2011-08-25T01:24:00.001-07:00

is definitely a lion. :)

sweetspot

2011-08-22T01:55:00.000-07:00

dang it feels sooooooo good to be myself. hallelujah :)

courage

2011-08-21T03:36:00.000-07:00

from the Old French corage, from the Latin cor 'heart'.

"the ability to do something that frightens one".
"strength in the face of pain or grief".

COURAGE. LET'S DO THIS RAHRRRRRRRRR

"be jesus to the world"

2011-08-21T03:29:00.000-07:00

but first i need to ask,

who is Jesus to ME?

- Champion/Protector
- Healer/Restorer
- Giver of LIFE, Giver of Joy
- Comforter
- Encourager, Giver of Courage
- Peacemaker/Reconciler
- Someone who delights in me
- Faithful friend

Now, how can I be these to others?

2011-08-20T20:46:00.001-07:00

recording is hecka hardddddddddd

- need better voice
- need better guitar
- need better recording equipment
- need better idea of how recording program works
- need jesus

2011-08-20T00:56:00.001-07:00

i wish i could sing better =T

clarity

2011-08-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

it feels soooooooo good to be back,
good to be myself again.

hallelujah.

authenticity.

2011-07-18T01:04:00.000-07:00

the real thing. are you the real thing?

For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

[2 Corinthians 4:17, NIV, Scripture of the Day]

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude
when to where I'm destined I'm compared.

Speak to me in the light of the dawn,
Mercy comes with the morning.
I will sigh and with all creation groan
As I wait for hope to come for me.

Am I lost or just less found?
On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
Is this a soul that stirs in me?
Is it breaking free, wanting to come ALIVE?

'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become.

For we, we are not long here.
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it.
And I, I was made to LIVE,
I was made to LOVE,
I was made to KNOW YOU.

Hope is coming for me.
Hope, He's coming for me.
Hope is coming for me.

[C.S. Lewis Song - Brooke Fraser]

2011-07-16T00:04:00.000-07:00

breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2011-06-18T00:13:00.001-07:00

that dog is hella freakin annoying.

2011-06-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

i don't want to stay here, but i don't wanna go back home either.

DILEMMAAAAAA

2011-06-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

run away. it's the easier thing to do.

2011-06-03T21:56:00.001-07:00

my heart and brain are on overdrive.

figuratively and physically.

aydiosmio.

boost

2011-06-02T15:41:00.001-07:00

2011-06-01T13:06:00.001-07:00

breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

2011-05-30T19:00:00.001-07:00

i feel like i have a hangover.

and. coconut water is NASTY.

dammit.

2011-05-29T23:18:00.001-07:00

...i didn't know it would hurt this bad.

tomorrow is memorial day...RIP.

God. seriously. one thing at a time...

no wonder...

2011-05-29T18:02:00.000-07:00

"Those exposed to the toxic effects of child abuse are often so arrested by fear and so confused about their attachments, particularly about their attachment to God, that they're hardened to the message or stunted in their ability to grow in three important elements of Christian life - faith, hope, and love. Usually this happens not because of a lack of desire but because of fear - especially a fear of trusting those expected to be stronger and wiser."

"Attachments: Why you love, feel and act the way you do"
- Dr. Tim Clinton & Dr. Gary Sibcy

I have "the most damaging of attachment styles"...

I can't breathe...

2011-05-28T14:57:00.001-07:00

alkgsdjdljkgfjsdjfklsfjdslkgj i seriously just hate people sometimes.

alskgjlsdkjflksjdfslkjflsjgjsdl,fjlkd

2011-05-27T11:24:00.001-07:00

i feel like my heart is physically being SQUEEZED out. i can't breathe =.= aksljfldsjfksdlfjsfdsf

2011-05-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

why am i so complicated...

IF. such a loaded two-letter word.

apparently

2011-05-20T19:30:00.000-07:00

sushi is a natural antidepressant.

(omega-3 fatty acids - fish oil)

too bad it's so expensive :p

i've never read

2011-05-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

a book that makes me feel like i'm reading about my life.

it all makes so much sense...

hope deferred

2011-05-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

how much longer do i have to wait...

take me home.

Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

Thought of You - Making Of from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

random...but whatever.

icarus

2011-05-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

‏יֵשׁ֡וּעַ‎

2011-05-07T21:16:00.000-07:00

Yeshua (the Hebrew or Aramaic name for Jesus)

= "YHWH" + "a cry for help"

= "God, save me."

YESHUA.

She will bear a Son; and you shall call His name Jesus,
for He will save His people from their sins.
(Matthew 1:21, NASB)

companion

2011-04-30T01:46:00.000-07:00

= com "together with" + panis "bread"

= one who breaks bread with another.

2011-04-24T21:57:00.001-07:00

God, i really don't know why you put up with us sometimes.

behold

2011-04-21T13:34:00.000-07:00

= "be" [thoroughly] + "hold"

SEE HIM, for you become like whom you BEHOLD.

Whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away.
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into this likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
[2 Corinthians 3:16-18]

=.=

2011-03-21T23:30:00.000-07:00

i think i might be getting a bit sick
11:25 PM
woke up with a sore throat + runny nose today
11:25 PM
either i slept funny
11:25 PM
or i'm actually getting sick
11:25 PM
no bueno :p

Susan Kim
GTalk
11:26 PM
oh noooo
11:26 PM
eat chipotle every day
11:26 PM
and lot fatty goodies like
11:27 PM
ice cream and chips and stuff
11:27 PM
just eat lots!
11:27 PM
that's the best cure!
11:27 PM
:)

Joanne Kim
Jabber
11:27 PM
=.=
11:27 PM
NO SUSAN.

Susan Kim
GTalk
11:28 PM
YES JOANNE.
11:28 PM
i gots evidence
11:28 PM

Do you have any comments on the role of art in the church?

2011-03-13T20:05:00.000-07:00

"The role of art in the church... Art and beauty are God's ideas. They are His means of expressing His divine nature. The church should never see the arts as "worldly," but rather a means for expressing and proclaiming His glory! How amazing it must have been during the era of church history when patrons commissioned great works for the glory of God. Christopher and I would heartily agree with an article in Time magazine that stated, "Church and art today are scarcely on speaking terms. Yet Christianity was once a great patron of all the arts, and artists in turn enriched the faith. The church must 'reassume its ancient and proper responsibility and productivity with reference to all the arts,' an undertaking that 'it could well begin by purging its own arts [of the] insipid or precious or esoteric or sentimental.'"

- Greg Laurie, Pastor of Harvest Christian Fellowship

http://www.creationswap.com/article/6328

i just...

2011-03-11T01:17:00.000-08:00

...want to do ERRTHANG.

2011-03-06T23:00:00.001-08:00

What story are you telling? from Rhetorik Creative on Vimeo.

http://www.amazon.com/Million-Miles-Thousand-Years-Learned/dp/1400202981/ref=tmm_pap_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1276717752&sr=1-1

SO CRAZY.

2011-02-26T13:51:00.000-08:00

"we will overcome
by the blood of the Lamb
and the word of our testimony
everyone overcome"

[overcome - desperation band]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9yoKNzBq3g&feature=relmfu

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6sjYWrpNoCs&feature=relmfu

just thought was a bit interesting

2011-02-25T16:29:00.000-08:00

http://www.quora.com/Which-Disney-Princess-best-embodies-feminist-principles-and-why/answer/Shannon-Larson?srid=3SU

You Are Still Holy

2011-02-23T01:32:00.001-08:00

Holy, You are still holy 

Even when the darkness surrounds my life 

Sovereign, You are still sovereign 

Even when confusion has blinded my eyes

Lord, I don't deserve Your kind affection 

When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch 

I want my life to be a pure reflection of Your love

So I come into Your chamber 

And I dance at Your feet, Lord 

You are my Savior 

And I'm at Your mercy 

All that has been in my life up 'til now 

It belongs to You 

You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy 

Even though I don't understand Your ways 

Sovereign, You will be sovereign 

Even when my circumstances don't change

Lord, I don't deserve your tender patience 

When my unbelief has kept me from Your truth 

I want my life to be a sweet devotion to You

So I come into Your chamber 

And I dance at Your feet, Lord 

You are my Savior 

And I'm at Your mercy 

All that has been in my life up 'til now 

It belongs to You 

I belong to You

For You are still holy

a franciscan benediction

2011-01-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

May God bless you with discomfort
At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger
At injustice, oppression and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears
To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them
And turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness
To believe that you can make a difference in the world,
So that you can do what others claim cannot be done
To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen.

2010-12-25T00:52:00.000-08:00

cross game. :)

2010-12-24T15:26:00.000-08:00

sucks to say it, but i miss HS a lot. dangit.

2010-12-13T10:09:00.000-08:00

i don't have a very good history of winters.

somehow i end up finding God irrelevant.

oh dear jesus help me.

in all seriousness.

2010-12-11T16:08:00.001-08:00

meh.

jesus is srsly...

2010-12-08T00:32:00.001-08:00

...pullin on me heartstrings. :p

i need to grow up.

2010-11-29T21:16:00.001-08:00

but i don't wanna. :p

drownout.

a litany.

2010-11-27T20:39:00.000-08:00

ONE: Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world.

.............................ALL: Have mercy on us.

ONE: Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world.

.............................ALL: Free us from bondage to sin and death.

ONE: Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world.
.............................ALL: Hear our prayers, Prince of Peace.

ONE: For the victims of war,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: Women, men, and children,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The maimed and the crippled,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The abandoned and the homeless,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The imprisoned and the tortured,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The widowed and the orphaned,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The bleeding and the dying,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The weary and the desperate,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The lost and the forsaken,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.

ONE: O God, have mercy on us sinners.
.............................ALL: Forgive us for we know not we do.
ONE: For our scorched and blackened earth,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For the scandal of billions wasted in war,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For our arms makers and our arms dealers,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For our Caesars and our Herods,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For the violence that is rooted in our own hearts,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For the times that we turn others into enemies,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.

ONE: Deliver us, O God.
.......................ALL: Guide our feet toward the way of peace.
ONE: Hear our prayer,
.............................ALL: Grant us peace.
ONE: From the arrogance of power,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the myth of redemptive violence,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the tyranny of greed,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the ugliness of racism,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the cancer of hatred,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the seduction of wealth,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the addiction of control,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the idolatry of nationalism,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the paralysis of cynicism,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the violence of apathy,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the ghettos of poverty,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the ghettos of wealth,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the lack of imagination,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: Deliver us, O God.
.............................ALL: Turn our feet to the way of peace.

ONE: We will not conform to the patterns of this world.
..........ALL: Let us be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
ONE: With the help of God's grace,
.............................ALL: Let us resist evil wherever we find it.
ONE: With the waging of war,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the legalization of murder,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the slaughter of innocents,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With laws that betray human life,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the destruction of community,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the pointing finger and malicious talk,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the idea that happiness must be purchased,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the ravaging of the earth,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With principalities and powers that oppress,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the destructions of peoples,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the raping of women,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With governments that kill,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the theology of empire,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the business of militarism,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the hording of riches,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the dissemination of fear,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.

ONE: But today we pledge our ultimate allegiance to the Kingdom of God.
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the peace that is not like Rome's,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the gospel of enemy love,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the kingdom of the poor and the broken,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the King who loves His enemies so much he died for them,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the least of these with whom Christ dwells,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the transnational church that transcends artificial borders of nations,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the refugee of Nazareth,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the homeless rabbi who had no place to lay his head,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the cross rather than the sword,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the banner of love above any flag,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the one who rules with a towel rather than an iron fist,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the one who rides a donkey rather than a war horse,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the revolution that sets both oppressed and oppressors free,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the way that leads to life,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the slaughtered lamb,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.

ONE: And we together proclaim His praises from the margins of the empire to the centers of wealth and power:
.............................ALL: Long live the Slaughtered Lamb.

Written by Shane Claiborne, James Loney and Brian Walsh

Soon - Hillsong United

2010-11-08T14:40:00.000-08:00

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love

When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I'll be going
To the place He has
Prepared for me

Then my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders
Round the throne

At His feet I'll lay
My crowns, my worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon

overwhelm.

2010-11-04T11:22:00.000-07:00

"over-" (over the limit, to excess)

+
"-whelm" (engulf, submerge, bury)

=
"overwhelm"
(to bury beneath a mass, e.g. floodwater, avalanche, glory)

overwhelmed. i don't know what this means.

2010-10-31T02:03:00.001-07:00

it feels like winter again.

i hate rain but...

2010-10-22T01:39:00.000-07:00

the sound of rain is so nice :)

sometimes...

2010-10-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

i just feel like punching a wall.

....but that wouldn't be fair to the wall. :p

...

2010-10-13T06:18:00.001-07:00

...the heck???!????!!?

oh jesus,

2010-10-12T16:05:00.001-07:00

please be gentle with my heart. i can only take so much.

on repeat

2010-10-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed in glory
As I realize just how beautiful you are
and how great your affections are for me

i should eat more :p

2010-09-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

P.Josh asked me for my prayer requests, but it became a journaling/blogging session instead. Just thought I'd share with the rest of y'all as well. :)

- Hunger

I need to take good care of myself. I'm not very good at eating healthily: I eat when it's convenient or when I remember. Sometimes I forget to eat for the entire day, and my body suffers for it. I realized this past week that the way I take care of my physical health also translates to my spiritual health: just as I don't eat healthily and exercise regularly, I'm also a "binge eater" of the Word, eating only when I remember to do so or when it's convenient. I think my physical body has been numbed to the sensation of hunger; consequently, I don't understand what it means to be HUNGRY for God. This is dangerous physically; this is also dangerous spiritually.

I am committing to eat 3 meals a day and to read the Word when I wake up and before I go to sleep. And protein bars don't count. I need to revive my body and my spirit's ability to hunger.

- Finance/Provision/Calling/Faith/Intimacy

Sometimes I don't eat because I don't want to spend money, but this shows a heart that doesn't trust in God as the Provider. If I only believe that He provides but don't live a life that reflects this belief, then this faith is dead [James 2:20]. I need to act on the belief that God will provide financially by allowing myself to use money to take good care of myself.

Another aspect in which I believe that God is the Provider but only in theory is that I've started worrying about my income because the Alameda afterschool program hasn't started yet. It was supposed to begin this past week. But it hasn't, because we don't have any students. None. Consequently, no one knows when the program will begin, i.e. when I will have this job, i.e. when I will start getting paid. (Wisely or unwisely,) I haven't been looking for other jobs and have been waiting for so long for this program to finally begin so that I can devote most of my energy and attention to loving our juniors and seniors rather than having my attention be divided by overwhelming thoughts of finance and by attempts to look for other forms of income.

I want to live a life of intimacy with the Lord and with His people. But I can't have intimacy without faith, and I can't have faith without risk. I'll be honest. It becomes riskier and riskier for me to continue serving in this ministry. It's going to hurt progressively as time passes by...and it could go on indefinitely. I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I second-guess myself. A lot. And oftentimes I lack confidence that what I'm doing is what God really intends for me to do, that I've missed his memo or something. So many thoughts and doubts swirl around in my mind that maybe I've made the wrong decision, that I could have done "something else" to please the Lord. Maybe I wasn't called to serve the juniors/seniors. Maybe I'm deluding myself, thinking that God intended for me to serve Him in this way. Maybe this was my own desire rather than God's. Maybe I was supposed to look for a full-time job or at least an internship that relates to my majors. They say that the first year after graduation is the most crucial period for your career or lifegoal. Maybe the best way for me to give my firstfruits to God wasn't for me to be here doing what I do but for me to go out looking for something related to missions or international relations or social justice or whatever. Maybe I should have said yes rather to the opportunity PJ offered for me to start a missions organization that connects small local churches to the different places we've been to, starting from Nicaragua to China to Thailand to wherever else. That's more consistent with who I am...right? Or maybe, as some people have mentioned, the best way for me to serve and help other people is for me to get a grad school degree or experience in working at a law firm or political office or to be proactive in networking, etc.

Maybe. But it is precisely because there IS a chance that these "maybe's" are true, or that there IS the possibility that I've made the wrong decision, that my step of faith to serve the junior/senior class as their pastor in defiance of what I see or perceive ahead of me has substance...has weight. I need to risk. I need to trust. I need to cling onto Jesus as if my life depended on it, because it does.

It's scary that the afterschool program hasn't started yet. It's even scarier that there's the possibility that it will never work out, that I've been wasting all my time waiting for it. But I want this, SO BAD. I want to love and serve the juniors/seniors as much as I am able. I want to work at the afterschool program. And so I am going to have faith in God and not doubt in my heart but believe that what I say will happen, because it will be done for me. I need to ask God for this in prayer, believing that I have already received it, because then it will be mine [Mark 11:22-24].

(Some of you might think that I'm making a big deal out of a no biggie. But bear with me, I'm still growing, and I'm still new/noob to all this :p.)

This is the decision I've made this past weekend, to trust that God knows what He's doing, to wait on him. Contrary to what others may thing, I am NOT being idle or lazy, because waiting is an ACTIVE, not passive, thing. It requires for me to command my body, my mind, my heart, my soul to be still even when they squirm and wrestle to wander off to something else.

Everything else in my life tells me to "do something else". But there is NO "something else" for the people of God; there is only the words of Jesus that say "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life" [John 14:6]. NO ONE comes to the Father except through Jesus. NO ONE can receive the REAL LIFE of intimacy with God without clinging onto nothing but Him.

This is my act of walking backwards, and I wait to see what Jesus will do with my faith.

But I'm also not gonna lie, I do hope He moves quickly. :)

I'm gonna go eat now. :p

i don't know

2010-09-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

what i'm sposed to be doing,

and why i don't sense what i think i should be sensing.

taking a break from things

2010-09-07T23:08:00.000-07:00

so that i can spend more time with jesus. :)

ain't gonna hide it.

2010-09-06T23:38:00.000-07:00

it feels GREAT to beat my own record. :p

oy vey.

2010-08-28T21:37:00.000-07:00

macbook.
parking ticket.
car dashboard.
house keys.
glasses.

jesus, please make alameda work. give your servant tools to use.

2010-07-24T19:15:00.001-07:00

fifth time. let's do this.

2010-07-23T00:49:00.001-07:00

live to love.

word from the Lord...?

2010-07-19T15:24:00.001-07:00

i am very disciplined?

afraid/guilty that i'm having too much fun?

feeling as if i should be more "serious"?

TONS of fun in the season to come. YAY.

songwriting.

only i could sing the songs i do.

God treasures my songs that i find as not good.

he puts up my songs on the heavenly fridge.

keep writing. keep singing.

imagination. don't suppress it. don't discount it.

SEE.

2010-07-18T23:24:00.001-07:00

prophecy...???

brainfreeze.

2010-07-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

chug it.

i ask jesus to take me home. a lot.

2010-06-30T00:32:00.001-07:00

but if he did today, would i be able to answer his question,

"did you finish the race?"

ohmyyyy

2010-06-21T17:39:00.001-07:00

it's a yes. :)

ayyaaaaaa

2010-06-21T00:29:00.000-07:00

consistency.
grace.

flexibility.
discipline.

understanding.
pushoverness.

jesus, help me be more like you.

2010-06-14T04:05:00.000-07:00

You hold my heart in your hands............(I put my heart in your hands)

You won’t ever let go ...............................(Never, don’t ever let go)
You hold my everything ......................... (I give my everything)
Dear Jesus, so, so gentle ........................ (Dear Jesus, please be gentle)

You keep your promises of old ...............(To trust the promises of old)
And new stories still unfold.................... (To dream the stories left untold)
You see me til I see you face to face .......(To wait until I see you face to face)
Oh Dear Faithful ....................................(Lord, make me faithful)

not

2010-06-13T02:22:00.000-07:00

not whether i'm qualified
(cause jesus equips the called),
not what i can get out of it
(cause jesus calls us to give, not take),
not whether i can afford to
(cause jesus provides my daily bread daily),
not whether this is the right time
(cause jesus is the master of kairos),
not whether it'll be easy
(cause jesus calls us to the way of the cross),
not whether it makes sense
(cause jesus throws a wrench into reason),
not whether i will be recognized for what i do
(cause jesus' ministry was done in obscurity),
not whether others will criticize me
(cause jesus guarantees tension),
not whether i will find joy or peace
(cause jesus is the source),

but how i can best serve jesus and his sheep:
in obedience to his voice, through his spirit.

obedience doesn't wait til jesus asks us to do something BIG.
obedience comes when we say yes to him NOW,
yes to him DAILY.

can i say 'yes'?

oh spirit, help me.

I'll say Yes! Lord, Yes!
To Your will and to Your way.
I'll say Yes! Lord, Yes!
I will trust You and obey.

When Your Spirit speaks to me,
with my whole heart I'll agree.
And my answer will be Yes, Lord, Yes!

i need

2010-06-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

your help in not hurting any more people. no way i can do that on my own. jesus, have mercy.

bleh.

2010-06-08T12:11:00.000-07:00

i hate how dreams make me feel crappy after i wake up. this one just hit me to the core.

always the same question: am i responsible for what happens in my sleep? cause it's not real, but it sure feels like it.

i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. help me, jesus.

roadtrip

2010-06-05T11:42:00.000-07:00

had a long heart-to-heart talk with jesus during my 5hr drive down to arizona. basically, he tells me to trust in him, and in him only. i need to learn how to lift up open hands, open to receive, open to give, open to be taken from.

gonna take a really really really really long time til i get that one down. but gotta start somewhere, sometime, like here and now.

where i am honestly.

2010-06-03T03:22:00.000-07:00

i am zonked. and not just by alcohol (which is purely for the sake of making me go to sleep at a more normal hour...as if that's possible =.=a).

just the mere fact that jesus closes certain doors to open others is something that still boggles me. what was wrong with the original plan?? what was wrong with MY original plan? i spose quite a number of things.

change is uncomfortable. change hurts. i feel abandoned in a lot of different ways (which i realize, is largely [largely, not mostly] my fault), and it hurts. i cry about it. my heart aches every time i think about it. i hate whenever i find my relationships being not what i planned or hoped it would be. i hate being emotional about it. i hate crying, even though it's very cathartic and though i would 100% support being honest and crying over rather than suppressing your raw emotions. but the fact that you have ANY reason to cry just sucks. it kills me inside.

but i forget that jesus has the ability to bring the dead to life. part of the reason i have any reason to cry is that i've done something wrong. part of the reason is that someone's done me wrong. but that is not where the story ends. we learn - i learn, you learn - that jesus doesn't wish for us to remain just the way we are. he wants us to learn from our experiences, to move on, to press forward, to pursue HIM, the only one who we can dependably count on, as much as my prideful self hates to admit sometimes.

it still bugs me that he seems to know all the right answers, all the right strings to tug at my heart. tonight was one such instance. tomorrow will be another as i try to figure out what to do with my arizona trip. the day after will be another as there will be a very high chance that i will be spending 30-hours driving by myself to places i've never driven on my own to a wedding where i know at max, 4 people, one being the bride, the other being the bride's sister and one of my close friends, the third being the bride's best friend and a good friend of mine, and the last being myself. and chances are, three of those four people will probably be surrounded by other people they know, and the last of the four will just be one in maybe one hundred or two that they have invited to the wedding. i've often considered just not going altogether, cause it probably won't make that much of a difference. but i should. i should. i'm going. the focus is not on whether i'm comfortable as it is not a day about me, but a day about my friend. suck it up, joanne, suck it up. yes it sucks having to drive all those miles and spend all that money paying for gas and the motel fee(s) and all those hours you could have spent catching up with other people for the sake of one person, but remember, it's not about quantity, and it's not about yourself. your friend is probably freaking out more than you about getting married than about you worrying about your finances or lack of time. stop being so selfish, please, and just do it to support her, not out of a sense of obligation, but out of a sense of desire to be there for her.

i need to grow up. i need to learn that life does include obligations, regardless of whether or not i accept that. i can't just think about myself all the time. perhaps my relationships in the past and in the present have been soured by the fact that i've been trying to avoid obligations, that i've been doing things out of the sense that i'm doing a favor to people by spending time with them or whatever. don't kid yourself, and wake up please.

i feel like i am a mess right now, and i would normally never blog this all out (just cause i find that it's too much work). but maybe i'm in a better place than i used to be, maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's just something that i've been pushing off for a while, maybe it's something i just needed to get off my chest but didn't find myself having many outlets to do so, maybe it's my perception that the people i care about have been drifting away from me, maybe it's the sliver of hope that someone out there would just hear me for what i have to say, maybe it's a new way for me to externally process my thoughts and emotions. i don't know what it is, but i just need to say (at 3:40am of all times), i need the grace of God, right here, right now, right away, everyday.

i'm not even going to bother editing this. it's too late, i'm already drowsy, and i have tons of errands to run tomorrow. maybe i'll read this later and regret what i wrote down tonight, cause i don't even remember what i wrote and i'm probably rambling, but i think my heart tells me that i've said what i needed to say for right now. or maybe i'm just banking on the hope that no one really reads this anyway so it doesn't really matter what i write. i kinda hope it's the lattermost.

whatever. toodles, i'm off to bed. jesus, you're crazy. you probably know that about yourself and that i think that about you, but please let me take advantage of you in thinking that way, cause sometimes, honestly, i just think about myself more than i care about you.

sorry. i didn't mean that. but really, i meant it. and i don't understand how, despite all this, you still find me someone worth your laying down your life.

i hate to admit it, but i just can't resist you. you charm me.

supe que amabas. i knew you loved me.

i knew you loved me

2010-06-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

Y cuando lejos me encontraba, te sentí
...................And when I was away, I felt you
Sabía que entonces me cuidabas y te oí
...................I knew then, I watched and heard you
Como un susurro fue tu voz en el silencio
...................Because your voice was a whisper in the silence
Cada día me atraías hacia ti
...................Every day I was attracted to you

......................................[Supe Que Amabas - Marcela Gandara]

it's been so long

2010-05-30T01:15:00.000-07:00

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars, I see someone else.

When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself.

[Stars - Switchfoot]

can't wait. yay for desertlands.

several emotions

2010-05-29T23:54:00.000-07:00

have been sloshing back and forth, ranging from high to low to light to heavy to clear to muddled to hollow to dense to peaceful to overwhelming to restful to destabilizing to red to green to yellow to dark blue to gray to green again and then back to blue.

i don't really know how to respond, but one thing i know:

jesus is pretty crazy amazingly unpredictable and incomprehensible.

dangit i don't get you.

thank u jesus

2010-05-28T03:36:00.001-07:00

i now have a legit reason to go try out different restaurants like, all the time. tis my internship.

now i need financial backing to finance all those lunches/deenars. part-time job i go!

off of papi's facebook.

2010-05-22T00:28:00.001-07:00

"강하다"는 것은 "약함"을 아는 것,
to be strong is to know weakness,

"약하다"는 것은 "겁을 내는" 것
to be weak is to be afraid,

"겁을 내는" 것은 "소중한 것이 있다"는 것
to be afraid is to have something dear to you,

"소중한 것이 있다"는 것은 "강하다"는 것.
to have something dear to you is to be strong.

yeah.

2010-05-21T12:43:00.001-07:00

3.71 sounds so much better than 3.69. :p

jesus gave me A's for two of the classes i thought i was,
no kidding, on the verge of failing.

if i failed either one, i would have to scramble for a class to take for summer school, which starts...next week.

every morning this week, i checked bearfacts to see my final grades, frantic with anxiety that i would have to make a plan B.

(not that i even have a plan A right now...but at least it was NOT to take any more classes.)

...and wednesday morning, i woke up to quite a surprise. it took a while for my groggy self to really process it.

GRACE.

jesus let me finish my majors with a 3.675 and a 3.877.

thank you JESUS.

honestly?

2010-05-15T14:50:00.000-07:00

i want to punch someone in the face.
and not just anyone.
a specific someone.

i can't wait til its over.

it begins now.

2010-05-12T14:46:00.000-07:00

i commit to...

delight myself in the LORD,
to commit my way to Him,
to trust in Him with all my heart,
to lean not on my own understanding,
and to acknowledge Him in my ways.

...and He will give me the desires of my heart,
and make my paths straight.

[psalm 37:4-5, proverbs 3:5-6]

so i guess...

2010-05-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

that's that.

sometimes i don't understand...

2010-05-07T03:01:00.000-07:00

why u do the things u do.

mama in germany

2010-05-06T21:37:00.000-07:00

"Any direction you turn your face, you would find the Master's touch in nature and in great efforts of artistic human hands over a couple of thousands of years."

copied out of her email to my sister and me. i didn't even know that her english was THIS good. :p

anyway. i am my mama's daughter. :)

so it begins.

2010-05-04T02:12:00.000-07:00

parental pressure.

2010-05-03T16:13:00.000-07:00

扉の向こうにはどんな世界があるだろう。

is vs. ought

2010-05-03T13:25:00.000-07:00

the things i learn from school:

Philosopher Immanuel Kant distinguishes the difference between the a posteriori and the a priori:

a posteriori - connected to experience.
a priori - connected to rational reflection; is not dependent on experience, but seeks what is necessary (what must or should be done).

this resembles the difference between is and ought:
is - refers to how things are now, in this particular moment, to the current reality, the real world.
ought - refers to how things should be, the ideal.

if one's decisions are based on the is ("that's just the way things are"), one's decisions remain in the current reality; nothing would change because one is acting within the existing system.

but, if one's decisions are based on the ought ("this is not how things are now, but how things should be"), one's decisions has the potential of transforming reality.

this change is not instantaneous, but incremental, and it may be unlikely that one will see the results within one's lifetime.

BUT

should one resist giving into how things are in the present moment in pursuit of how things could be, striving for and acting according to one's ideal vision or dream for the future, even if it seems foolish or naive, even if it takes forever, even if it's completely implausible, even if it's impossible to the world?

should one cling onto the sliver of possibility that,
against all odds, something will change?

is this not hope? is this not being reckless for the Kingdom?

we may never reap what we sow in our lifetime.
others may benefit from our hard labor and toil.

nevertheless, will we continue to sow?

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. [Galatians 6:9]

jealousy

2010-05-03T02:40:00.000-07:00

...was/is at the root of a lot of my problems.

...and what a mess it's caused.

no more of that crap. :p

i commit to...

2010-04-30T00:15:00.000-07:00

delight myself in the LORD,
to commit my way to Him,
to trust in Him with all my heart,
to lean not on my own understanding,
and to acknowledge Him in my ways.

...and He will give me the desires of my heart,
and make my paths straight.

[psalm 37:4-5, proverbs 3:5-6]

2010-04-24T06:40:00.000-07:00

i just had a 7-hour conversation with someone.

wowzas, jesus you CRAZY. =.=

mmm.

2010-04-23T13:03:00.000-07:00

to live as if i have nothing to lose.

...i have nothing, so what can i lose?

i don't have money.
i don't have status or fame.
i don't have future plans or ambitions.
i don't have a family of my own to take care of.
i don't have a place i call my home.

...i don't have food in my fridge.

WAKE UP.

jesus is GENIUS :O

2010-04-20T19:39:00.000-07:00

In the beginning times, God set aside Israel to be His people.

Israel rejected their God.

God responded;
through Israel's rejection of Him,

God brought salvation to the Gentiles.
God reconciled the world to Himself.

But God never forgot Israel;
through their jealousy of the Gentiles,

God brought salvation to Israel.
God reconciled His people back to Himself.

In the end, God saves both Jew and Gentile.
In the end, God reconciles both to Himself.

What a mastermind. :O

Oh, the depth of the riches of
the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
[Romans 11:33]

2010-04-20T18:10:00.001-07:00

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.

[Brooke Fraser - C.S. Lewis Song]

ever after.

2010-04-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

Ever After - Gcap5
Verse 1:
Lord, this is my honest cry
I'm not satisfied, I'm so very dry
Will You ease this growing hunger of mine
For more of You, Lord, I'm empty inside

Pre-Chorus:
All I want
All I need is to feel You breathe

To hear Your voice
To hear You whisper over me
O, to think!

Chorus:
To be with You for the ever after
To be with You in every laughter
The song of angels resonate on high

To sing to You for all eternity
With all I am, the very best of me
A simple song echoes here tonight

Verse 2:
Lord, this is my deepest cry
To draw close to You, to be by Your side
Embrace me with Your strong arms, so tight
Show me it's You, Lord, not a trick of my mind

Bridge:
Draw me close
Close enough to hear you breathe
To sing this song to Your heartbeat
O, what a song I'll sing!

O, how I want for this to be!