so. 2 AM and she calls me 'cause i'm still awake
can you help me unravel my latest mistake
i don't love him. winter just wasn't my season...

...distracted from even writing a post. gosh. :p


anyway. i was kinda on track for my school reading and all, but i realized that i haven't written anything about today...almost moved on with my life without giving God the credit for something amazing that is still going on today.

i went back to my old church today. honestly, i planned on going back home simply to pass out support letters for nic, but as i started writing personal notes at the end of each letter, i realize...God has done some work in me during my time at RY. although God has stretched me oh-so-much this past year through livingwater, q&a, iv, and the millions of other things occupying everyday of my oh-so-exciting-kinda-crazy life, i realize that my roots come from richmond.

during my period of depression over winter break, i've deliberately taken down things on my wall that i thought had been up there past their expiration date. such was an attempt for me to move on from the things that i had considered irrelevant, unimportant for the life i live now. i took down whatever was related to richmond, whatever was related to hannah, whatever was related to last year. it was hard. i didn't leave on bad terms (in fact, my youth pastor and the teachers prayed blessing over me for this change), but i was bitter because i felt that, since i left richmond, i had no more home to go back to during the holidays while otheres were able to go back to their hometowns and homechurches. i cried, in frustration, in sorrow, in loneliness.

...but i now understand that as i take things off my wall, God makes room for greater things yet to come. as i look at the funny-looking empty patches on my wall, i imagine it becoming a space for God to fill - space that only HE should fill. such a thought gives me hope. i'm not so discouraged anymore.

my time at richmond and my past experiences are not irrelevant or "expired"; they are simply internalized in me - they live in me, in a sense. my life from those points on are just extensions of these very experiences; because of what i had gone through in the past, i am able to be who i am, how i am, when i am, where i am.


i suppose my "wall" helps me to process the things that are going on in my life; once i've "processed" them, there is no longer a need for me to keep them on my wall as reminders, because they are now a part of me.

so, i will continue making space on my wall by taking down things,
in great expectation that God will fill them with what is better.




...but (as things with God often go) there isn't just one side to this story. yes, God has done crazy works in me this past year (and yes, there is a lot left to be done) but it wasn't only in me that God had been moving.

when i came to richmond today, i had preconceptions of how things were going to be. my mom had told me that a lot of things have changed since i left - that the youth group was about twice the size, that two of the teachers are now in a relationship, that two of the teachers (now married for 1.5 years) are about to have a baby, that the sixth graders are now the largest class, that the youth group started having prayer walks at albany high, that the ethnic breakdown of the youth group was becoming more heterogeneous and less Korean, and so on.

i knew about these changes, since i've heard a lot about them.

...but things are different when you see changes for yourself.

when i went into the youth building this morning, i saw all that i had heard about times ten. the building that housed thirty kids when i left richmond was now too small to hold everyone for sunday service. by the time i left, there were only about two or three non-korean students that came out infrequently; now there are enough non-korean kids (chinese, japanese, mongolian, etc.) that makes it unfeasible for the pastor to preach in korean anymore. most of the youth used to be kids of parents who themselves attended richmond; now, half of the kids are those whose parents don't come to this church (or any church, for that matter), but who came at the invitation of their friends (and that's something). there is a talk among the pastor and youth teachers that the youth group might have to be split in two - middle school/high school.

i knew about these changes. but i didn't really know.

it was uncomfortable when i first went into that building. i knew less than 20% of the kids there. a lot of the kids i was closer to left for college or went back to korea. i was uncomfortable because things were different.

but then i realize: if you come back to a church just to find it exactly the same as when you had left...isn't there something wrong with that picture?

things were different. very different. but in a good way. in a great way. in a BIG way.


...i underestimated the magnitude of God's grace and the size of God's hands. DANG. ._.


it was painful to leave richmond, the church i've grown up in all my life. i won't go into detail about how i ended up changing churches (i want to make sure i get some sleep tonight. :p perhaps that will come in a future post.), but i suppose what God wanted to tell me today was, "i have it all here, in my hands, and in my hands they are going to stay. and in my hands they are going to transform, for my Kingdom, for my glory."


what an awesome God we serve. :)


shoutout to jdsn, jonathan, eunice, helen, daniel, michelle, jaeho, miga, and tom. you are a reminder that God works in ways that are way beyond what we can imagine.