life of a college student.

is a big SIGHHHHH.

...but still, it beats the life of grownup-hood. or so they say.

i'm just being super spoiled. :p


i don't know why i didn't press the "publish post" for the entry below, even though i had most of it all written out already.
i guess God wanted me to read it today. :p

(shoutout to ms. esther ray. :))
__________________________________
April 26, 2009

"i'm not a dreamer anymore." was the thought that went through my mind as i saw my results from strengthfinders test. "futuristic" was the trait associated with being a dreamer, someone who imagines or envisions things unfolding in the future and pursues it. john cheng has "futuristic". me? i have "adaptability", which is essentially not that. adaptability means i live in the moment. i don't see the future as a fixed destination. i discover my future one choice at a time.

so PT's message today went straight to the heart. "what are you doing after college?" "if you're a person who's living in the now, going with the flow"... those words were the exact ones that came out of my mouth a couple days ago. even june and joyce were like "OMG JOANNE" when he said that. PT and PJ must have been keeping close watch on me for a while, since their messages these past several weeks have been on the dot like omgah. (or maybe God's just crazy like that. :p)


i had a dream. or what i thought might have been a dream. it went something along the lines of: "i want to fight human trafficking". i suppose it was an entertaining thought, a feel-good thought. i always kept it at a distance, never really taking it seriously, as if such an endeavor was far beyond my reach, as if i was perhaps dreaming someone else's dream. i've subscribed to the Not for Sale and Call-and-Response emails and updates a while back, and instead of deleting as soon as i get them, i've read them . but not too seriously, not too absorbedly (if that's a word). more of a "oh that's cool" or "interesting" kinda thing.

same for organizations like IJM that do social justicey things internationally. ever since i've heard about IJM at urbana two years ago it's been on the back of my mind. i've heard about it now and then by just being a part of intervarsity, and i've looked more into it as a possible summer internship. how awesome it would be to get an internship with them, ya know? i would gain so much experience that could be relevant to my future, whatever that may be.

anyway. it was an interesting "what if?" kind of thought, something i've played with in my mind once in a while.
what if this is my dream? HOW COOL WOULD THAT BE? :D

but whenever i think about it, the other side kicks in soonafter: "this is, at most, a temporary thing. even if you end up doing it, it's not the destination, but a stopping point. this is not The Dream, The Calling. it's just something to keep you occupied for the time being."

tis what's been going on in my mind for a while. it's been frustrating not knowing what my dreams are, what my calling is, when people around me keep talking about it. one of the three things pj told me to do during coffee hour was to find out what my calling is. one of the seven things joey advised me to consider when thinking about joining q&a board was my calling and strengths/passions. friends around me secretly tell me their deepest desires and passions, what they're going to pursue once they finish what's currently on their plates. one talks about leaving in a couple years to thailand to offer therapy to sex slave survivors. and here it is again, in PT's sermon.

i considered myself a dreamer a year or two ago. i even wrote "i am a dreamer" on my wall. given what was going on at the time i wrote it, it might have been a pretty accurate description of myself: someone who does crazy things for God.

what happened?
what happened to my dreams?
when did i stop dreaming?
did i ever start dreaming?

anyway. during prayer time after PT's message, i started jotting down things that i'm passionate about to perhaps give me clues as to what my calling may be:

lifegiver
missions
the world
compassion
bridge
IJM

IJM. this shook my heart when i read it again.

International.
Justice.
Mission.

three things that makes my heart go crazy. three things that i am passionate about, that i yearn for, that i hope God has placed at least somewhere down the road. all in one acronym. i didn't even pay attention to this until today. what the crazy.

http://www.ijm.org/


...i don't know if this really means anything. maybe i've found something convenient, something to keep my mind busy for the time being. there is a bad research design method called "data dredging". a researcher takes an outcome to be explained and tries hard to find (dredge) an independent variable that is highly associated with (but is not necessarily the cause of) the dependent variable. in other words, he tries to look for something, anything, that fits. what if he finds an independent variable that isn't the right one?

...what if the Prince, looking for Cinderella by fitting her glass slipper on all the girls in the country, finds another girl who fit?
what if he found the wrong girl?

what if i'm settling for the wrong thing?

despite having said all the stuff above, i want to pursue this.
if this is The Dream, The Calling, then cool. yay.
if it's not, God is going to let me know when the time comes.

is this being unwise?
is this being irrational?
is this being irresponsible?

i don't know. maybe.

God, how much i am in need your grace.

if this is the dream You've planted in my heart,
let it grow, and let it blossom
for Your Kingdom, for Your glory.

dream --> purpose --> life.

i want to be a dreamer again.
________________________________________

This is Your Life - Switchfoot

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes

This is your life and today is all you've got now
Yeah, and today is all you all ever have
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes

This is your life
Are you who you want to be
This is your life
Are you who you want to be

This is your life
Is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger
And you had everything to lose