where i am honestly.

i am zonked. and not just by alcohol (which is purely for the sake of making me go to sleep at a more normal hour...as if that's possible =.=a).

just the mere fact that jesus closes certain doors to open others is something that still boggles me. what was wrong with the original plan?? what was wrong with MY original plan? i spose quite a number of things.

change is uncomfortable. change hurts. i feel abandoned in a lot of different ways (which i realize, is largely [largely, not mostly] my fault), and it hurts. i cry about it. my heart aches every time i think about it. i hate whenever i find my relationships being not what i planned or hoped it would be. i hate being emotional about it. i hate crying, even though it's very cathartic and though i would 100% support being honest and crying over rather than suppressing your raw emotions. but the fact that you have ANY reason to cry just sucks. it kills me inside.

but i forget that jesus has the ability to bring the dead to life. part of the reason i have any reason to cry is that i've done something wrong. part of the reason is that someone's done me wrong. but that is not where the story ends. we learn - i learn, you learn - that jesus doesn't wish for us to remain just the way we are. he wants us to learn from our experiences, to move on, to press forward, to pursue HIM, the only one who we can dependably count on, as much as my prideful self hates to admit sometimes.

it still bugs me that he seems to know all the right answers, all the right strings to tug at my heart. tonight was one such instance. tomorrow will be another as i try to figure out what to do with my arizona trip. the day after will be another as there will be a very high chance that i will be spending 30-hours driving by myself to places i've never driven on my own to a wedding where i know at max, 4 people, one being the bride, the other being the bride's sister and one of my close friends, the third being the bride's best friend and a good friend of mine, and the last being myself. and chances are, three of those four people will probably be surrounded by other people they know, and the last of the four will just be one in maybe one hundred or two that they have invited to the wedding. i've often considered just not going altogether, cause it probably won't make that much of a difference. but i should. i should. i'm going. the focus is not on whether i'm comfortable as it is not a day about me, but a day about my friend. suck it up, joanne, suck it up. yes it sucks having to drive all those miles and spend all that money paying for gas and the motel fee(s) and all those hours you could have spent catching up with other people for the sake of one person, but remember, it's not about quantity, and it's not about yourself. your friend is probably freaking out more than you about getting married than about you worrying about your finances or lack of time. stop being so selfish, please, and just do it to support her, not out of a sense of obligation, but out of a sense of desire to be there for her.

i need to grow up. i need to learn that life does include obligations, regardless of whether or not i accept that. i can't just think about myself all the time. perhaps my relationships in the past and in the present have been soured by the fact that i've been trying to avoid obligations, that i've been doing things out of the sense that i'm doing a favor to people by spending time with them or whatever. don't kid yourself, and wake up please.

i feel like i am a mess right now, and i would normally never blog this all out (just cause i find that it's too much work). but maybe i'm in a better place than i used to be, maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's just something that i've been pushing off for a while, maybe it's something i just needed to get off my chest but didn't find myself having many outlets to do so, maybe it's my perception that the people i care about have been drifting away from me, maybe it's the sliver of hope that someone out there would just hear me for what i have to say, maybe it's a new way for me to externally process my thoughts and emotions. i don't know what it is, but i just need to say (at 3:40am of all times), i need the grace of God, right here, right now, right away, everyday.

i'm not even going to bother editing this. it's too late, i'm already drowsy, and i have tons of errands to run tomorrow. maybe i'll read this later and regret what i wrote down tonight, cause i don't even remember what i wrote and i'm probably rambling, but i think my heart tells me that i've said what i needed to say for right now. or maybe i'm just banking on the hope that no one really reads this anyway so it doesn't really matter what i write. i kinda hope it's the lattermost.

whatever. toodles, i'm off to bed. jesus, you're crazy. you probably know that about yourself and that i think that about you, but please let me take advantage of you in thinking that way, cause sometimes, honestly, i just think about myself more than i care about you.

sorry. i didn't mean that. but really, i meant it. and i don't understand how, despite all this, you still find me someone worth your laying down your life.

i hate to admit it, but i just can't resist you. you charm me.

supe que amabas. i knew you loved me.