i want to go back.

i must have seen the videos and pictures from nic like almost a thousand times now, back to back, second by second. but i'm not sick of it. it just makes me want to go back, to see familiar faces again, to eat familiar foods again (but not chicken. ick. :p), to hear familiar songs again, to walk on familiar ground again.

i want to go back.

...if You are willing.

=.=a

i mixed up my japanese with my spanish and korean today. i guess i did do some studying over the summer. =____=

sigh. way to live your life. =.=a

so. in the past two days, i...

- missed my flight back to berk
- lost my phone
- forgot to bring my confirmation number to buy my schoolbooks
- broke my toe.

way to go, joanne kim. way to begin your last year of school. :p

how productive am i.

i finished three books during my stay here: "courage and calling" by gordon t. smith, "boundaries" by henry cloud and john townsend and "the weight of glory" by c.s. lewis. out of my two-books-a-month new year's resolution for a total of 24, i think i've now finished...8. not bad! only...16 more to go. :p it's ok if it's already nearing september, let's do ittttt :D

it's been getting progressively harder to blog since i've been here in korea. i think i'm losing consistency since i'm not in front of the computer all the time like i was back in the states. for one, i've been here, there, everywhere, going to the aquarium, watching performances and musicals, visiting relatives, playing video games with my dad, going screen golfing, watching failing at going to the local theme park three times, going shopping like every other day, watching weird korean tv shows, listening to stories about my mom and my dad when they were my age (kekeke :DDD), taking midnight walks with my banana milk, etc. etc. for another, i haven't really had a stable internet connection. i usually go to the starbucks next door since they have free internet, but paying $3.50 for an americano everyday is kinda much. :p i've been mooching off starbucks internet from the fourth floor of my dad's apartment building, but have had a less-than-ideal success rate combatting five or six mosquitoes with either my bare hands (i think i'm getting pretty good at it. caught another last night in midair. :D) or with my flipflops as a last resort. after two weeks of being here, i discovered that i get some connection in my dad's livingroom...but to use it requires be to keep the laptop on top of the oven on top of the microwave on top of the windowsill at a specific angle and at specific location (luckily not at a specific time of day). consequently i have to stand on my feet in order to use the internet. even in writing this blog (which i'm guessing has taken at least ten to fifteen minutes), my poor knees are starting to ache.

anyway. there is so much to process, so much to think about, and not enough of an appropriate venue to do it in. i would blog about it (selectively), but doing so would keel my knees. :p i would journal about it, but i'm still making excuses about my horrid handwriting and whatnot. i sometimes get scared of journaling. i don't know why. i just do. :p

yep. oh my how things have changed. what a crazy Dad i have. :)


____________________
a shoutout to my lovely sister and friend sarah choi!!
(i will write you a reply email...soon. :p)

annoying korean songs stuck in my head.

yep. i'm still here.

to do list for when i get back home:
- get unjetlagged.
- deposit itouch check.
- watch wicked.
- burn nic dvds, print nic journal and pictures.
- apply for a credit card.
- get reimbursed for nic stuff.
- make monies for urbana + flight.
- make monies for nic or future missions.
- make an outline of what i want to do after i graduate. ACK.
- make an outline of what i want to do in the summer.
- make an outline of what i want to do in the spring.
- make an outline of what i want to do in the winter.
- make an outline of what i want to do in the fall.
- make monies to pay for all this.
- start checking off this list ASAP.

nic journal summer 2009! (preview)

this is the short, summarized version of this summer's nic trip. the longer, more detailed version is taking longer than expected cause it's quite...extensive. :p :) thanks for waiting!! :D


Nic Summer 2009.

One of the main themes of this summer's trip was learning how to wait. For me specifically, it was learning how to be obedient to what God calls me to do, even when I don't and may never really understand his reasons or his thoughts.

For me, this trip was about becoming like Abram. When we first find of him in the book of Genesis, we read,

The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you." (12:1)

God doesn't tell Abram where to go. God doesn't tell Abram why.

But He does give Abram this...a promise.

...and I will bless you. (v. 2)

But even in this promise, God doesn't tell Abram with what he's going to bless him. God doesn't tell Abram how. God doesn't tell Abram when.

Yet it says,

"So Abram left as the LORD had told him." (v.4)

Several times were our plans for this trip delayed, changed or canceled. We've had unexpected visitors, unexpected weather, unexpected circumstances, unexpected illnesses, unexpected difficulties, unexpected extended periods of waiting. As ones who have grown up in a time and place where one must constantly do, do, do, work, work, work, go, go, go, waiting felt at times like a slow death. Several times have I asked myself, "Why am I here? What have you brought me to this place for?" and have I tried to quell my uneasy heart by telling it, "It's ok. God's going to redeem all this by the end of the trip. He must be prepping things to do something BIG."

That "something BIG" never came. It took me a while to realize that we sometimes put too much emphasis on things that are CRAZY EXPLOSIVE AMAZING, not realizing that, in God's Kingdom, there is also beauty in silence, in the quiet, in the still.

Before we even realized it, God poured into the local churches and the leadership and families in through us in those moments of waiting. We've spent more time sitting, talking, eating with these people than we have in all the previous trips combined. Even when I didn't realize or understand, God was still faithful.

While I (think I) realize some of the importance of this trip, it is still unclear to me whether this is the whole point. I still think sometimes that it's all going to make sense about three years from now, wavering back and forth in this mindset that demands a clear purpose in order for me to do or pursue something God has called me to do.

I want to become like Abram, who responded to God's calling even though he didn't understand or know what God was thinking or planning. Abram's path ahead of him was dark, but he still said, "Yes, Lord."

Would I respond to God's call even when I don't know the where, why, what, how and when? Would I hold onto God's promise that "in all things God words for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28)? Would I hold on to the truth that God has my good in mind?


I want to become one who says, "Yes, Lord."

at the hospital for patients with burns.

nic team summer 2009

I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING.

...but i, as an unomnipotent, unomnisceint, unomnipresent mortal human being, am confined by time and space and abilities.

so. what do i do in order to make the most out of what i do have? my strengths, my weaknesses, my abilities and inabilities...
how should i press on?

i'm learning a lot of things about myself here. things i'm good at. things i'm not so good at. things that i need to face. things i need to avoid. things that i need to start. things that i need to stop. things that i need to fine-tune. things that i need to tone down.

my heart starts beating when i think of how much POTENTIAL God has given me, of how much POTENTIAL He has given everyone, of how much POTENTIAL He has given the Body in order to bring the Kingdom on earth in Jesus' name.

how do we tap in?



still chippin away at the block of stone to see what God intends to sculpt outta me. :)
-----------------------------------------------

things to own and steward:
flexibility, adaptability
patience
passion
attentiveness
teachability

things to work on:
naivete --> be more realistic, practical, critical, thoughtful.
passivity --> initiate. be proactive. knock. seek. ask.
impulsiveness --> think things through, seek wise council.
timidity --> be strong and courageous.
"can you do it for me?" --> DO IT YOURSELF.

mixed feelings.

i took a long walk around my old hometown yesterday. everything was so...different. gone were the things that occupied my childhood memories: streets that seemed so wide and so long are a lot smaller than i remembered them (apparently, when you grow, things shrink :p), the houses are bigger (and uglier) than before, both the bridge-crosswalks are gone, my house had been scrapped to be replaced by a cafe, my school is now half its size, the building where i had been abused vanished into thin air, the little corner where i used to buy baby chicks is gone, the little shop owned by an old lady (from where i used to steal. a LOT. :p) is not there anymore, and gargantuan buildings and apartments now stand where all the small stores and restaurants used to be.

i didn't know what to feel, what to think. i resisted my dad's request for me to visit korea for years, and this summer is the first time i'm back since i've realized what i had gone through. i was scared that it would happen again. i was afraid that, even if it didn't happen a second time, memories from what happened last year would paralyze me, would shut me down. i didn't want to freak out my dad and my sister, since neither of them know. i wanted to have some sense of control over my body, over my mind, over my heart. it's not something that i could do anything about with mere willpower, but i wanted to at least think that i can.

i didn't want to fear. i didn't want to be angry. i didn't want to despair. i didn't want to feel sorrow. i didn't want to feel broken.

...and i didn't have to. none of this happened. thank you, God.

as i was walking up and down the familiar yet not-so-familiar neighborhood, a thought kept passing through my mind:

"12 years is a really long time. who would have imagined that i would be where i am now?"

12 years is a really long time. who would have imagined that i would be where i am now? even in these past two years, i've come so far, i've grown so much. for me to be closer to my family, for me to be close to my mom, for me to be so comfortable and happy around my dad, for me to take notice of how i behave around my sister, is in itself a HUGE thing. for me to stop dwelling on things of the past is another. for me to delight in being in silence and solitude is yet another.

i have a lot left to go, but i've grown, a LOT.


thank you for bringing me this far, Dad.

thank you for walking with me, everyone.