mixed feelings.

i took a long walk around my old hometown yesterday. everything was so...different. gone were the things that occupied my childhood memories: streets that seemed so wide and so long are a lot smaller than i remembered them (apparently, when you grow, things shrink :p), the houses are bigger (and uglier) than before, both the bridge-crosswalks are gone, my house had been scrapped to be replaced by a cafe, my school is now half its size, the building where i had been abused vanished into thin air, the little corner where i used to buy baby chicks is gone, the little shop owned by an old lady (from where i used to steal. a LOT. :p) is not there anymore, and gargantuan buildings and apartments now stand where all the small stores and restaurants used to be.

i didn't know what to feel, what to think. i resisted my dad's request for me to visit korea for years, and this summer is the first time i'm back since i've realized what i had gone through. i was scared that it would happen again. i was afraid that, even if it didn't happen a second time, memories from what happened last year would paralyze me, would shut me down. i didn't want to freak out my dad and my sister, since neither of them know. i wanted to have some sense of control over my body, over my mind, over my heart. it's not something that i could do anything about with mere willpower, but i wanted to at least think that i can.

i didn't want to fear. i didn't want to be angry. i didn't want to despair. i didn't want to feel sorrow. i didn't want to feel broken.

...and i didn't have to. none of this happened. thank you, God.

as i was walking up and down the familiar yet not-so-familiar neighborhood, a thought kept passing through my mind:

"12 years is a really long time. who would have imagined that i would be where i am now?"

12 years is a really long time. who would have imagined that i would be where i am now? even in these past two years, i've come so far, i've grown so much. for me to be closer to my family, for me to be close to my mom, for me to be so comfortable and happy around my dad, for me to take notice of how i behave around my sister, is in itself a HUGE thing. for me to stop dwelling on things of the past is another. for me to delight in being in silence and solitude is yet another.

i have a lot left to go, but i've grown, a LOT.


thank you for bringing me this far, Dad.

thank you for walking with me, everyone.