cross game. :)

sucks to say it, but i miss HS a lot. dangit.

i don't have a very good history of winters.

somehow i end up finding God irrelevant.

oh dear jesus help me.

in all seriousness.

meh.

jesus is srsly...

...pullin on me heartstrings. :p

i need to grow up.

but i don't wanna. :p







drownout.

a litany.

ONE: Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world.

.............................ALL: Have mercy on us.

ONE: Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world.

.............................ALL: Free us from bondage to sin and death.

ONE: Lamb of God, You take away the sins of the world.
.............................ALL: Hear our prayers, Prince of Peace.


ONE: For the victims of war,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: Women, men, and children,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The maimed and the crippled,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The abandoned and the homeless,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The imprisoned and the tortured,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The widowed and the orphaned,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The bleeding and the dying,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The weary and the desperate,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.
ONE: The lost and the forsaken,
.............................ALL: Have mercy.


ONE: O God, have mercy on us sinners.
.............................ALL: Forgive us for we know not we do.
ONE: For our scorched and blackened earth,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For the scandal of billions wasted in war,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For our arms makers and our arms dealers,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For our Caesars and our Herods,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For the violence that is rooted in our own hearts,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.
ONE: For the times that we turn others into enemies,
.............................ALL: Forgive us.


ONE: Deliver us, O God.
.......................ALL: Guide our feet toward the way of peace.
ONE: Hear our prayer,
.............................ALL: Grant us peace.
ONE: From the arrogance of power,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the myth of redemptive violence,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the tyranny of greed,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the ugliness of racism,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the cancer of hatred,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the seduction of wealth,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the addiction of control,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the idolatry of nationalism,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the paralysis of cynicism,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the violence of apathy,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the ghettos of poverty,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the ghettos of wealth,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: From the lack of imagination,
.............................ALL: Deliver us.
ONE: Deliver us, O God.
.............................ALL: Turn our feet to the way of peace.


ONE: We will not conform to the patterns of this world.
..........ALL: Let us be transformed by the renewing of our minds.
ONE: With the help of God's grace,
.............................ALL: Let us resist evil wherever we find it.
ONE: With the waging of war,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the legalization of murder,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the slaughter of innocents,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With laws that betray human life,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the destruction of community,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the pointing finger and malicious talk,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the idea that happiness must be purchased,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the ravaging of the earth,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With principalities and powers that oppress,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the destructions of peoples,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the raping of women,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With governments that kill,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the theology of empire,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the business of militarism,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the hording of riches,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.
ONE: With the dissemination of fear,
.............................ALL: We will not comply.


ONE: But today we pledge our ultimate allegiance to the Kingdom of God.
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the peace that is not like Rome's,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the gospel of enemy love,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the kingdom of the poor and the broken,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the King who loves His enemies so much he died for them,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the least of these with whom Christ dwells,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the transnational church that transcends artificial borders of nations,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the refugee of Nazareth,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the homeless rabbi who had no place to lay his head,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the cross rather than the sword,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the banner of love above any flag,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the one who rules with a towel rather than an iron fist,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the one who rides a donkey rather than a war horse,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the revolution that sets both oppressed and oppressors free,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the way that leads to life,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.
ONE: To the slaughtered lamb,
.............................ALL: We pledge allegiance.

ONE: And we together proclaim His praises from the margins of the empire to the centers of wealth and power:
.............................ALL: Long live the Slaughtered Lamb.

Written by Shane Claiborne, James Loney and Brian Walsh

Soon - Hillsong United

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love

When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I'll be going
To the place He has
Prepared for me

Then my sin erased
My shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders
Round the throne

At His feet I'll lay
My crowns, my worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb
The Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon

overwhelm.

"over-" (over the limit, to excess)

+
"-whelm" (engulf, submerge, bury)

=
"overwhelm"
(to bury beneath a mass, e.g. floodwater, avalanche, glory)

overwhelmed. i don't know what this means.

it feels like winter again.

i hate rain but...

the sound of rain is so nice :)

sometimes...

i just feel like punching a wall.






....but that wouldn't be fair to the wall. :p

...

...the heck???!????!!?

oh jesus,

please be gentle with my heart. i can only take so much.

on repeat

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed in glory
As I realize just how beautiful you are
and how great your affections are for me

i should eat more :p

P.Josh asked me for my prayer requests, but it became a journaling/blogging session instead. Just thought I'd share with the rest of y'all as well. :)

- Hunger

I need to take good care of myself. I'm not very good at eating healthily: I eat when it's convenient or when I remember. Sometimes I forget to eat for the entire day, and my body suffers for it. I realized this past week that the way I take care of my physical health also translates to my spiritual health: just as I don't eat healthily and exercise regularly, I'm also a "binge eater" of the Word, eating only when I remember to do so or when it's convenient. I think my physical body has been numbed to the sensation of hunger; consequently, I don't understand what it means to be HUNGRY for God. This is dangerous physically; this is also dangerous spiritually.

I am committing to eat 3 meals a day and to read the Word when I wake up and before I go to sleep. And protein bars don't count. I need to revive my body and my spirit's ability to hunger.

- Finance/Provision/Calling/Faith/Intimacy

Sometimes I don't eat because I don't want to spend money, but this shows a heart that doesn't trust in God as the Provider. If I only believe that He provides but don't live a life that reflects this belief, then this faith is dead [James 2:20]. I need to act on the belief that God will provide financially by allowing myself to use money to take good care of myself.

Another aspect in which I believe that God is the Provider but only in theory is that I've started worrying about my income because the Alameda afterschool program hasn't started yet. It was supposed to begin this past week. But it hasn't, because we don't have any students. None. Consequently, no one knows when the program will begin, i.e. when I will have this job, i.e. when I will start getting paid. (Wisely or unwisely,) I haven't been looking for other jobs and have been waiting for so long for this program to finally begin so that I can devote most of my energy and attention to loving our juniors and seniors rather than having my attention be divided by overwhelming thoughts of finance and by attempts to look for other forms of income.

I want to live a life of intimacy with the Lord and with His people. But I can't have intimacy without faith, and I can't have faith without risk. I'll be honest. It becomes riskier and riskier for me to continue serving in this ministry. It's going to hurt progressively as time passes by...and it could go on indefinitely. I don't know what I'm getting myself into. I second-guess myself. A lot. And oftentimes I lack confidence that what I'm doing is what God really intends for me to do, that I've missed his memo or something. So many thoughts and doubts swirl around in my mind that maybe I've made the wrong decision, that I could have done "something else" to please the Lord. Maybe I wasn't called to serve the juniors/seniors. Maybe I'm deluding myself, thinking that God intended for me to serve Him in this way. Maybe this was my own desire rather than God's. Maybe I was supposed to look for a full-time job or at least an internship that relates to my majors. They say that the first year after graduation is the most crucial period for your career or lifegoal. Maybe the best way for me to give my firstfruits to God wasn't for me to be here doing what I do but for me to go out looking for something related to missions or international relations or social justice or whatever. Maybe I should have said yes rather to the opportunity PJ offered for me to start a missions organization that connects small local churches to the different places we've been to, starting from Nicaragua to China to Thailand to wherever else. That's more consistent with who I am...right? Or maybe, as some people have mentioned, the best way for me to serve and help other people is for me to get a grad school degree or experience in working at a law firm or political office or to be proactive in networking, etc.

Maybe. But it is precisely because there IS a chance that these "maybe's" are true, or that there IS the possibility that I've made the wrong decision, that my step of faith to serve the junior/senior class as their pastor in defiance of what I see or perceive ahead of me has substance...has weight. I need to risk. I need to trust. I need to cling onto Jesus as if my life depended on it, because it does.

It's scary that the afterschool program hasn't started yet. It's even scarier that there's the possibility that it will never work out, that I've been wasting all my time waiting for it. But I want this, SO BAD. I want to love and serve the juniors/seniors as much as I am able. I want to work at the afterschool program. And so I am going to have faith in God and not doubt in my heart but believe that what I say will happen, because it will be done for me. I need to ask God for this in prayer, believing that I have already received it, because then it will be mine [Mark 11:22-24].

(Some of you might think that I'm making a big deal out of a no biggie. But bear with me, I'm still growing, and I'm still new/noob to all this :p.)

This is the decision I've made this past weekend, to trust that God knows what He's doing, to wait on him. Contrary to what others may thing, I am NOT being idle or lazy, because waiting is an ACTIVE, not passive, thing. It requires for me to command my body, my mind, my heart, my soul to be still even when they squirm and wrestle to wander off to something else.

Everything else in my life tells me to "do something else". But there is NO "something else" for the people of God; there is only the words of Jesus that say "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life" [John 14:6]. NO ONE comes to the Father except through Jesus. NO ONE can receive the REAL LIFE of intimacy with God without clinging onto nothing but Him.

This is my act of walking backwards, and I wait to see what Jesus will do with my faith.

But I'm also not gonna lie, I do hope He moves quickly. :)

I'm gonna go eat now. :p

i don't know

what i'm sposed to be doing,

and why i don't sense what i think i should be sensing.

taking a break from things

so that i can spend more time with jesus. :)

ain't gonna hide it.

it feels GREAT to beat my own record. :p

oy vey.

macbook.
parking ticket.
car dashboard.
house keys.
glasses.

jesus, please make alameda work. give your servant tools to use.

fifth time. let's do this.

live to love.

word from the Lord...?

i am very disciplined?

afraid/guilty that i'm having too much fun?

feeling as if i should be more "serious"?

TONS of fun in the season to come. YAY.

songwriting.

only i could sing the songs i do.

God treasures my songs that i find as not good.

he puts up my songs on the heavenly fridge.

keep writing. keep singing.

imagination. don't suppress it. don't discount it.

SEE.

prophecy...???

brainfreeze.

chug it.

i ask jesus to take me home. a lot.

but if he did today, would i be able to answer his question,

"did you finish the race?"

ohmyyyy

it's a yes. :)

ayyaaaaaa

consistency.
grace.

flexibility.
discipline.

understanding.
pushoverness.

jesus, help me be more like you.

You hold my heart in your hands............(I put my heart in your hands)

You won’t ever let go ...............................(Never, don’t ever let go)
You hold my everything ......................... (I give my everything)
Dear Jesus, so, so gentle ........................ (Dear Jesus, please be gentle)

You keep your promises of old ...............(To trust the promises of old)
And new stories still unfold.................... (To dream the stories left untold)
You see me til I see you face to face .......(To wait until I see you face to face)
Oh Dear Faithful ....................................(Lord, make me faithful)

not

not whether i'm qualified
(cause jesus equips the called),
not what i can get out of it
(cause jesus calls us to give, not take),
not whether i can afford to
(cause jesus provides my daily bread daily),
not whether this is the right time
(cause jesus is the master of kairos),
not whether it'll be easy
(cause jesus calls us to the way of the cross),
not whether it makes sense
(cause jesus throws a wrench into reason),
not whether i will be recognized for what i do
(cause jesus' ministry was done in obscurity),
not whether others will criticize me
(cause jesus guarantees tension),
not whether i will find joy or peace
(cause jesus is the source),

but how i can best serve jesus and his sheep:
in obedience to his voice, through his spirit.

obedience doesn't wait til jesus asks us to do something BIG.
obedience comes when we say yes to him NOW,
yes to him DAILY.

can i say 'yes'?

oh spirit, help me.

I'll say Yes! Lord, Yes!
To Your will and to Your way.
I'll say Yes! Lord, Yes!
I will trust You and obey.

When Your Spirit speaks to me,
with my whole heart I'll agree.
And my answer will be Yes, Lord, Yes!

i need

your help in not hurting any more people. no way i can do that on my own. jesus, have mercy.

bleh.

i hate how dreams make me feel crappy after i wake up. this one just hit me to the core.

always the same question: am i responsible for what happens in my sleep? cause it's not real, but it sure feels like it.

i don't want to hurt anyone anymore. help me, jesus.

roadtrip

had a long heart-to-heart talk with jesus during my 5hr drive down to arizona. basically, he tells me to trust in him, and in him only. i need to learn how to lift up open hands, open to receive, open to give, open to be taken from.

gonna take a really really really really long time til i get that one down. but gotta start somewhere, sometime, like here and now.

where i am honestly.

i am zonked. and not just by alcohol (which is purely for the sake of making me go to sleep at a more normal hour...as if that's possible =.=a).

just the mere fact that jesus closes certain doors to open others is something that still boggles me. what was wrong with the original plan?? what was wrong with MY original plan? i spose quite a number of things.

change is uncomfortable. change hurts. i feel abandoned in a lot of different ways (which i realize, is largely [largely, not mostly] my fault), and it hurts. i cry about it. my heart aches every time i think about it. i hate whenever i find my relationships being not what i planned or hoped it would be. i hate being emotional about it. i hate crying, even though it's very cathartic and though i would 100% support being honest and crying over rather than suppressing your raw emotions. but the fact that you have ANY reason to cry just sucks. it kills me inside.

but i forget that jesus has the ability to bring the dead to life. part of the reason i have any reason to cry is that i've done something wrong. part of the reason is that someone's done me wrong. but that is not where the story ends. we learn - i learn, you learn - that jesus doesn't wish for us to remain just the way we are. he wants us to learn from our experiences, to move on, to press forward, to pursue HIM, the only one who we can dependably count on, as much as my prideful self hates to admit sometimes.

it still bugs me that he seems to know all the right answers, all the right strings to tug at my heart. tonight was one such instance. tomorrow will be another as i try to figure out what to do with my arizona trip. the day after will be another as there will be a very high chance that i will be spending 30-hours driving by myself to places i've never driven on my own to a wedding where i know at max, 4 people, one being the bride, the other being the bride's sister and one of my close friends, the third being the bride's best friend and a good friend of mine, and the last being myself. and chances are, three of those four people will probably be surrounded by other people they know, and the last of the four will just be one in maybe one hundred or two that they have invited to the wedding. i've often considered just not going altogether, cause it probably won't make that much of a difference. but i should. i should. i'm going. the focus is not on whether i'm comfortable as it is not a day about me, but a day about my friend. suck it up, joanne, suck it up. yes it sucks having to drive all those miles and spend all that money paying for gas and the motel fee(s) and all those hours you could have spent catching up with other people for the sake of one person, but remember, it's not about quantity, and it's not about yourself. your friend is probably freaking out more than you about getting married than about you worrying about your finances or lack of time. stop being so selfish, please, and just do it to support her, not out of a sense of obligation, but out of a sense of desire to be there for her.

i need to grow up. i need to learn that life does include obligations, regardless of whether or not i accept that. i can't just think about myself all the time. perhaps my relationships in the past and in the present have been soured by the fact that i've been trying to avoid obligations, that i've been doing things out of the sense that i'm doing a favor to people by spending time with them or whatever. don't kid yourself, and wake up please.

i feel like i am a mess right now, and i would normally never blog this all out (just cause i find that it's too much work). but maybe i'm in a better place than i used to be, maybe it's the alcohol, maybe it's just something that i've been pushing off for a while, maybe it's something i just needed to get off my chest but didn't find myself having many outlets to do so, maybe it's my perception that the people i care about have been drifting away from me, maybe it's the sliver of hope that someone out there would just hear me for what i have to say, maybe it's a new way for me to externally process my thoughts and emotions. i don't know what it is, but i just need to say (at 3:40am of all times), i need the grace of God, right here, right now, right away, everyday.

i'm not even going to bother editing this. it's too late, i'm already drowsy, and i have tons of errands to run tomorrow. maybe i'll read this later and regret what i wrote down tonight, cause i don't even remember what i wrote and i'm probably rambling, but i think my heart tells me that i've said what i needed to say for right now. or maybe i'm just banking on the hope that no one really reads this anyway so it doesn't really matter what i write. i kinda hope it's the lattermost.

whatever. toodles, i'm off to bed. jesus, you're crazy. you probably know that about yourself and that i think that about you, but please let me take advantage of you in thinking that way, cause sometimes, honestly, i just think about myself more than i care about you.

sorry. i didn't mean that. but really, i meant it. and i don't understand how, despite all this, you still find me someone worth your laying down your life.

i hate to admit it, but i just can't resist you. you charm me.

supe que amabas. i knew you loved me.

i knew you loved me

Y cuando lejos me encontraba, te sentí

...................And when I was away, I felt you

Sabía que entonces me cuidabas y te oí

...................I knew then, I watched and heard you

Como un susurro fue tu voz en el silencio

...................Because your voice was a whisper in the silence

Cada día me atraías hacia ti

...................Every day I was attracted to you

......................................[Supe Que Amabas - Marcela Gandara]

it's been so long

But when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars,
when I look at the stars, I see someone else.

When I look at the stars,
the stars, I feel like myself.

[Stars - Switchfoot]

can't wait. yay for desertlands.

several emotions

have been sloshing back and forth, ranging from high to low to light to heavy to clear to muddled to hollow to dense to peaceful to overwhelming to restful to destabilizing to red to green to yellow to dark blue to gray to green again and then back to blue.

i don't really know how to respond, but one thing i know:

jesus is pretty crazy amazingly unpredictable and incomprehensible.

dangit i don't get you.

thank u jesus

i now have a legit reason to go try out different restaurants like, all the time. tis my internship.

now i need financial backing to finance all those lunches/deenars. part-time job i go!

off of papi's facebook.

"강하다"는 것은 "약함"을 아는 것,
to be strong is to know weakness,

"약하다"는 것은 "겁을 내는" 것
to be weak is to be afraid,

"겁을 내는" 것은 "소중한 것이 있다"는 것
to be afraid is to have something dear to you,

"소중한 것이 있다"는 것은 "강하다"는 것.
to have something dear to you is to be strong.

yeah.

3.71 sounds so much better than 3.69. :p

jesus gave me A's for two of the classes i thought i was,
no kidding, on the verge of failing.

if i failed either one, i would have to scramble for a class to take for summer school, which starts...next week.

every morning this week, i checked bearfacts to see my final grades, frantic with anxiety that i would have to make a plan B.

(not that i even have a plan A right now...but at least it was NOT to take any more classes.)

...and wednesday morning, i woke up to quite a surprise. it took a while for my groggy self to really process it.

GRACE.

jesus let me finish my majors with a 3.675 and a 3.877.

thank you JESUS.

honestly?

i want to punch someone in the face.
and not just anyone.
a specific someone.

i can't wait til its over.

it begins now.

i commit to...

delight myself in the LORD,
to commit my way to Him,
to trust in Him with all my heart,
to lean not on my own understanding,
and to acknowledge Him in my ways.

...and He will give me the desires of my heart,
and make my paths straight.

[psalm 37:4-5, proverbs 3:5-6]

so i guess...

that's that.

sometimes i don't understand...

why u do the things u do.

mama in germany

"Any direction you turn your face, you would find the Master's touch in nature and in great efforts of artistic human hands over a couple of thousands of years."

copied out of her email to my sister and me. i didn't even know that her english was THIS good. :p

anyway. i am my mama's daughter. :)

so it begins.

parental pressure.

扉の向こうにはどんな世界があるだろう。

is vs. ought

the things i learn from school:

Philosopher Immanuel Kant distinguishes the difference between the a posteriori and the a priori:

a posteriori - connected to experience.
a priori - connected to rational reflection; is not dependent on experience, but seeks what is necessary (what must or should be done).

this resembles the difference between is and ought:
is - refers to how things are now, in this particular moment, to the current reality, the real world.
ought - refers to how things should be, the ideal.

if one's decisions are based on the is ("that's just the way things are"), one's decisions remain in the current reality; nothing would change because one is acting within the existing system.

but, if one's decisions are based on the ought ("this is not how things are now, but how things should be"), one's decisions has the potential of transforming reality.

this change is not instantaneous, but incremental, and it may be unlikely that one will see the results within one's lifetime.

BUT

should one resist giving into how things are in the present moment in pursuit of how things could be, striving for and acting according to one's ideal vision or dream for the future, even if it seems foolish or naive, even if it takes forever, even if it's completely implausible, even if it's impossible to the world?

should one cling onto the sliver of possibility that,
against all odds, something will change?

is this not hope? is this not being reckless for the Kingdom?


we may never reap what we sow in our lifetime.
others may benefit from our hard labor and toil.

nevertheless, will we continue to sow?


Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. [Galatians 6:9]

jealousy

...was/is at the root of a lot of my problems.

...and what a mess it's caused.




no more of that crap. :p

i commit to...

delight myself in the LORD,
to commit my way to Him,
to trust in Him with all my heart,
to lean not on my own understanding,
and to acknowledge Him in my ways.

...and He will give me the desires of my heart,
and make my paths straight.

[psalm 37:4-5, proverbs 3:5-6]

i just had a 7-hour conversation with someone.

wowzas, jesus you CRAZY. =.=

mmm.

to live as if i have nothing to lose.

...i have nothing, so what can i lose?

i don't have money.
i don't have status or fame.
i don't have future plans or ambitions.
i don't have a family of my own to take care of.
i don't have a place i call my home.






...i don't have food in my fridge.






WAKE UP.

jesus is GENIUS :O

In the beginning times, God set aside Israel to be His people.

Israel rejected their God.

God responded;
through Israel's rejection of Him,

God brought salvation to the Gentiles.
God reconciled the world to Himself.

But God never forgot Israel;
through their jealousy of the Gentiles,

God brought salvation to Israel.
God reconciled His people back to Himself.

In the end, God saves both Jew and Gentile.
In the end, God reconciles both to Himself.

What a mastermind. :O

Oh, the depth of the riches of
the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments,
and his paths beyond tracing out!
[Romans 11:33]

If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.

[Brooke Fraser - C.S. Lewis Song]

ever after.

Ever After - Gcap5
Verse 1:
Lord, this is my honest cry
I'm not satisfied, I'm so very dry
Will You ease this growing hunger of mine
For more of You, Lord, I'm empty inside

Pre-Chorus:
All I want
All I need is to feel You breathe

To hear Your voice
To hear You whisper over me
O, to think!

Chorus:
To be with You for the ever after
To be with You in every laughter
The song of angels resonate on high

To sing to You for all eternity
With all I am, the very best of me
A simple song echoes here tonight

Verse 2:
Lord, this is my deepest cry
To draw close to You, to be by Your side
Embrace me with Your strong arms, so tight
Show me it's You, Lord, not a trick of my mind

Bridge:
Draw me close
Close enough to hear you breathe
To sing this song to Your heartbeat
O, what a song I'll sing!

O, how I want for this to be!

sdfkjsdlkfdsjsldkfj

i feel like a mess and i don't even know why. jesus, please tell me cause it seems u know me better than i do myself.

joanne, has it ever occurred to you that jesus speaks to you without words?

political science.
area studies.
history.
sociology.
language.
social welfare.
economics.
psychology.
mathematics.
physics.
biology.
chemistry.
etymology.
semantics.
theology.
business.
legal studies.
art.
music.
literature.


new additions to the list:
english.
philosophy.

the world is my playground.

?!???

paul was jewish, roman AND greek???

jewish - genealogy, knowledge/tradition of the law of moses, authority.
roman - open doors.
greek - philosophy, rhetoric, nuance, access to the world.

dang.

we have...

everything we need - time, money, energy - to do whatever Kingdom work God has set us out to do.

if we find ourselves constantly running out - of time, of money, of energy - chances are, we are taking on more than God has intended for us to do.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be given to you as well.

[Matthew 6:33]

i need to hear from YOU

You are all big and small, beautiful
And wonderful to trust in grace through faith
But I'm asking to taste

For dark is light to You
Depths are height to You
Far is near, but, Lord, I need to hear from You

..............Be near, O God
..............Be near, O God of us
..............Your nearness is to us our good

..............Be near, O God
..............Be near, O God of us
..............Your nearness is to us our good

Your fullness is mine, revelation divine
But, O, to taste, to know much more than a page
To feel Your embrace

For dark is light to You
Depths are height to You
Far is near, but Lord, I need to hear from You

..............Be near, O God
..............Be near, O God of us
..............Your nearness is to us our good

..............Be near, O God
..............Be near, O God of us
..............Your nearness is to us our good

[Be Near - Shane & Shane]

can u...

please check up on me in a couple of days? i'm going to keep off chat for a while.

i don't believe in democracy. i don't believe in capitalism either.

...they're both based on self-interest.

“The most effective and efficient way to maximize collective social welfare and the public interest is to allow individuals to act in their self-interest.” - Adam Smith, the father of the free market liberal school of economics.

i don't buy it. people have the ability and the tendency to seek their own self-interests...at the expense of the well-being of others. seeing the reality within this country (supposedly the most politically and democratically liberal of them all) and the impact that american policies and national interests have on the rest of the world, i can't proudly call myself an american.

i pledge allegiance to a country without borders, a country whose political economic system is neither democratic nor capitalist, a Kingdom which calls its subjects to live lives, not of self-interest, but of self-sacrifice:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

.......Who, being in very nature God,
..............did not consider equality with God
.....................something to be grasped,
.......but made himself nothing,
..............taking the very nature of a servant,
.....................being made in human likeness.
.......And being found in appearance as a man,
..............he humbled himself
.....................and became obedient to death -
............................even death on a cross!
.....................................................[Philippians 2:3-8]

O, that this humility has brought us restoration/shalom, that this humility has bequeathed to us peace with one another, that this humility has given us freedom and LIFE.

All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them. For from time to time those who owned lands or houses sold them, brought the money from the sales and put it at the apostles' feet, and it was distributed to anyone as he had need.
........................................................[Acts 4:31-35]

(this sounds a lot like communism/socialism, but even such regimes can't accomplish what this Kingdom can. the leaders of such governments also pursue self-interest, no matter how much they advocate that they do all things for the sake of their people. corruption and exploitation are no strangers to this system.)

this Kingdom-principle applies only to those who are Kingdom-people because only Kingdom-people are ruled by the King. the just King. the humble King. the Servant King. this Kingdom is not compatible with any other political economic system, precisely because it is not of this world.

so how is this relevant to the non-Kingdom world?
if only the people of God could completely devote and place ourselves under His rule (and be the People of God), we would be completely liberated from the slaveries of devastating poverty and lonely wealth. if only the world could see for themselves how the World was intended, created to be...

...to seek first His Kingdom,
...........a Kingdom that is not upside-down,.
...............................................................but rightside up.

mmmmm...

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children."

nah. :)

jesus...

where do i fit in your plan?
where do i fit in your kingdom?
where do i fit in this world?

cause i gots NO IDEA. :p

what i did - spring break 2010/check-off to-do list.

friday
midnight - turn in papers
movie - red violin - finished 4am.

saturday
date - teresa hahm - anna's kitchen
nap
guitar
movie - les miserables - finished 4am.

sunday
date - tiffany cintas - cafe durant
church
gena, manali - boba
movie - the illusionist
mike's place - movie - breach

monday
date - ealeen hii - marina, crab cakes
nap
nic meeting with joey - discuss applicants, plan
prayer meeting

tuesday
fix car
study
tutoring
pick up violin/chat with nina/chocolate
laundry

wednesday
dmv - register car/get insurance
drop ealeen off at pleasanton
date - cupertino - june kim
jenny's place - guitar, prayer

thursday
get parking permit
movie - the soloist
leticia - record video - by your side
tutoring
date - nina's place - cookies
study fail.

friday
cache creek - mama, sister, 3hr drive
birthday date - yoshi's - jenny, rachel, sareen - najee
beach

saturday
sleep in
fliering
jimmy's place - ramen
basketball - steven, john, manuela, jenny, matt, jenny
little jenny's place - study, dinner
safeway run
jenny's place - talk til 2am

sunday
study
guitar/practice
church
vision team meeting
BIRTHDAY SURPRISE @ FENTONS.

1. SABBATH.
2. date with teresa.
3. NAP.
   
4. date with tiffany.
5. sunday playtime.
6. discuss nic applicants.
   
7. date with ealeen.
   
8. read for/write ps191 paper. --> read 2/10 articles.
   
9. date with sun. --> study hard!
   
10. read for ps124c. --> read 3/4 articles.
    
11. call grace and gloria.
    
12. read for peis101, response paper. --> nada.
    
13. june cupertino roadtrip.
14. catch up on 23094829 ps179 webcasts. --> nada.
    
15. yoshis.
    
16. ps124c research. --> nada.
    
17. SABBATH.
    
18. record.
19. upload 20394348034 pictures. or not. --> did 2.
    
20. look for post-nic stuff. --> nada.
    
21. wine. --> coltrane's baptism.
    
22. read 230943920483 unfinished books. --> read 1/5.
    
23. SABBATH some more.

basically. lots of dates and playtime and not enough of school. praise jesus. :)

the beauty of grace...

...is that it makes life not fair.

I LIKE. SO PRETTY.

http://www.ljsphotographyonline.com/Portfolio/Advertising/10016985_ndgeC#685643113_UZBkr

http://www.ljsphotographyonline.com/Portfolio/Macedonia/10097165_faZ8h#723521965_zokhc

to-do list, spring break 2010.

1. SABBATH.
2. date with teresa.
3. NAP.
   
4. date with tiffany.
5. sunday playtime.
6. discuss nic applicants.
   
7. date with ealeen?
   
8. read for/write ps191 paper.
9. date with sun.
   
10. read for ps124c.
11. call grace and gloria.
    
12. read for peis101, response paper.
13. june cupertino roadtrip.
14. catch up on 23094829 ps179 webcasts.
15. yoshis.
    
16. ps124c research.
17. SABBATH.
    
18. record.
19. upload 20394348034 pictures. or not.
20. look for post-nic stuff.
    
21. wine.
22. read 230943920483 unfinished books.
    
23. SABBATH some more.
    

bloop.

it is 2:14am. the end.

seriously. who thinks of this stuff???

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/a/aa/Polarlicht_2.jpg

auroral events.

...in other words, you could talk on the phone without a battery. :p
WHAT THE CRAZY.

by the time i graduate...

jesus will have exposed me to almost every part of the world:

united states - history 7b, ps 1, ps138e, ps124a, ps124c, ps191.
northeast asia - as10a, hist 118c, hist 14, hist 100, ps143b, ps144b, ps138e, ps191, jap 1, jap 10, jap 100, jap 101, jap7b.
south/southeast asia - as10a, ps191, ps124a.
latin america - nicaragua, ps138e, ps124c, peis101.
europe - ps124a, ps122a, ps138e, ps124c, peis101.
russia - ps 2, ps124a, ps138e, ps191.
middle east - comp lit 3b, ps124c.
africa - ps 2, ps138e, ps124c, peis101.
australia - hillsong.
headache land - phys7a, eng77, eng36, rhet r1a, rhet20, phil12a.

all that remains is antarctica. who knows. maybe jesus will do something in the next two months. :p