as a senior (yes, i finally am one), i feel seriously stuck in between the college group and young adult. you may say, well
DUH, but yeah...sometimes i feel like i'm part of neither group. actually, all the time. i don't think i've ever really been a part of the college group (yes i have gone to events and have gotten along with some of the other college kids), and i'm obviously not a part of young adult, even though maybe half the people there think i already graduated. =.=a
anyway, this friday kinda confirmed this feeling of being neither here nor there. there was some misunderstanding about my tabling for missions at the young adult connect dinner, and so i ended up going as a young-adulter. i wasn't really planning on going to sf with the college group to begin with (sorry dudes, i'm not a fan of sf :p), so i wasn't bummed out when i (thought that i) was asked to table for YA, but was honestly a little excited and curious about how things at YA would be. you know. like a sneak peak.
i ended class early, so i waited at sacks until it was time to set-up. i forgot to make copies for the fliers that i made, but i found out that there was a copy center right next to 7-eleven. i went, passing by the church lawn to see the college kids congregated to head off to sf. they were still around by the time i finished making copies and came back, so i mingled for a little bit.
as expected, the people there were mostly newcomers, freshmen, sophomores, the younger crew. i don't really have any problems with this, and i should celebrate that God has been faithful to our church in bringing these people into our family, but in my honest heart i was a little sad...sad there was no one in a similar stage of life, sad that gena and kat mak and others were already in their next stage of life, sad that i didn't really have a community here in the college group.
consequently, i naturally looked forward to going to the young adult large group to see more familiar faces. but it turns out, i didn't find what i was expecting. there were a lot of people i've never met, never seen before, and a lot of people that i knew that i was hoping to see didn't come...PT's style of leading is definitely different from joey's or PJ's or letty's, and there was a definite difference in dynamic within the group. which was all
FINE because it signifies that God has also been gracious to our young adult ministry in growing it...but it was so
unsettling. furthermore, i had a feeling (at least just inside my head) that others were thinking, "
why are you here? you're not young adult".
it sometimes scares me to think of going into young adult, not because of all the responsibilities and whatever of growing up, but because since i feel like people i feel more close to are moving ahead while i'm stuck here, by the time i actually get into young adult, everyone's going to be so much far ahead of me. and by the time i get there, it's not like the small senior class we have is all of a sudden going to blow up and i'll have people my age poppin up here and there. realistically, that's just what i think.
in this whole thing, i feel like i'm being
left behind, and it makes me choke up sometimes. one of the things i thought i had gotten over (at least a lot more than how i used to be) was the notion of being alone. you know, people always say "
God is right here with you", "
you're never really alone" and whatnot, and yes, i do believe that. but while i believe that God created us to be in a relationship with him, i also believe that God created us to be in relationships with those around us. sometimes i honestly think that the answers given above are irresponsible cop-out answers. :p
yeah. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. i used to just hide these feelings to myself, and that got me into serious trouble a couple times. i'm not going to deny it or pretend that it doesn't exist anymore. this is my honest struggle, something i need to wrestle with God about.
...
i'm so tired. i wish there was something to help me transition better. but sometimes i think, because i don't even know if i'm going to stick around after i graduate,
should i even bother?
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you.
[Psalm 42:5-6]
