anyway, this friday kinda confirmed this feeling of being neither here nor there. there was some misunderstanding about my tabling for missions at the young adult connect dinner, and so i ended up going as a young-adulter. i wasn't really planning on going to sf with the college group to begin with (sorry dudes, i'm not a fan of sf :p), so i wasn't bummed out when i (thought that i) was asked to table for YA, but was honestly a little excited and curious about how things at YA would be. you know. like a sneak peak.
i ended class early, so i waited at sacks until it was time to set-up. i forgot to make copies for the fliers that i made, but i found out that there was a copy center right next to 7-eleven. i went, passing by the church lawn to see the college kids congregated to head off to sf. they were still around by the time i finished making copies and came back, so i mingled for a little bit.
as expected, the people there were mostly newcomers, freshmen, sophomores, the younger crew. i don't really have any problems with this, and i should celebrate that God has been faithful to our church in bringing these people into our family, but in my honest heart i was a little sad...sad there was no one in a similar stage of life, sad that gena and kat mak and others were already in their next stage of life, sad that i didn't really have a community here in the college group.
consequently, i naturally looked forward to going to the young adult large group to see more familiar faces. but it turns out, i didn't find what i was expecting. there were a lot of people i've never met, never seen before, and a lot of people that i knew that i was hoping to see didn't come...PT's style of leading is definitely different from joey's or PJ's or letty's, and there was a definite difference in dynamic within the group. which was all FINE because it signifies that God has also been gracious to our young adult ministry in growing it...but it was so unsettling. furthermore, i had a feeling (at least just inside my head) that others were thinking, "why are you here? you're not young adult".
it sometimes scares me to think of going into young adult, not because of all the responsibilities and whatever of growing up, but because since i feel like people i feel more close to are moving ahead while i'm stuck here, by the time i actually get into young adult, everyone's going to be so much far ahead of me. and by the time i get there, it's not like the small senior class we have is all of a sudden going to blow up and i'll have people my age poppin up here and there. realistically, that's just what i think.
in this whole thing, i feel like i'm being left behind, and it makes me choke up sometimes. one of the things i thought i had gotten over (at least a lot more than how i used to be) was the notion of being alone. you know, people always say "God is right here with you", "you're never really alone" and whatnot, and yes, i do believe that. but while i believe that God created us to be in a relationship with him, i also believe that God created us to be in relationships with those around us. sometimes i honestly think that the answers given above are irresponsible cop-out answers. :p
yeah. i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing. i used to just hide these feelings to myself, and that got me into serious trouble a couple times. i'm not going to deny it or pretend that it doesn't exist anymore. this is my honest struggle, something i need to wrestle with God about.
...
i'm so tired. i wish there was something to help me transition better. but sometimes i think, because i don't even know if i'm going to stick around after i graduate, should i even bother?
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you.
[Psalm 42:5-6]
Your honesty and pain really touches me. I love your writing. You are definitely not alone. One solution I have for loneliness (though I'm surrounded by wild banshees in the form of teenagers) is to think of others and not myself.
ReplyDeleteAll my suffering is a result of thinking about myself too much. When I'm out there doing volunteer work I am connecting with so many others who are naturally networking for a higher purpose. Then more and more opportunities come to me, and people are always put in my life at just the right moment.
When I met my husband, I was at my worst and lowest point. I surrendered men, put on Clearasil, baggy sweats and went to the park with my 5-year old son. I met my husband right there, hitting softballs to his 4-year old son.
Keep writing.
Love and God Bless you,
Lydia
By the way, when I surrendered men, just like I surrendered alcohol 15 years ago, I prayed out loud: "God, help me accept being single the rest of my life.." I just wanted to be happy without ever looking again.
ReplyDeleteHi Joanne,
ReplyDeleteThis entry was really honest, thank you for being bold enough to share something as personal as this. It's hard to be in that position, where you feel a lack of belonging...that sense of being left behind. And I do know that you need community, but I think you still can find it..as the oldest sister in our college group I think you have tremendous potential to bless and teach us younger ones :) As an older sister, as someone who may have been through it before. It's always been so encouraging to see you out on the church steps talking w/ someone, or even today just after service in the chairs. I'm also countlessly amazed at the wise things you share with us in sg. I know it may be a selfish thing to ask "teach us! share w/ us!" hahaha but I do think there are reasons for God placing you in this moment :)
love,
rachel
HELLOOOOOOOOO :D
ReplyDeletei smiled as i read your post...im not sure why...maybe because in times of pain or feeling community-less and such...smiling helps...your feelings aren't alien to me...i love you! haha and these 2 people make excellent points! i feel like im in an awkward stage too...haha..you're not behind at all! you're right where god wants you to be..i had to keep reminding myself of this [; it's true! it's true! maybe it sounds cop out but it's true haha!
you know when you pour out and refresh others...god refreshes and pours into you...
focus and fix your eyes on the blessings...it helps! im trying...
k love you bye!
Hey Joanne,
ReplyDeleteWow. Your blog entry reminds me that I'm not alone in my feelings either. I feel like I can relate because I've struggled with loneliness a lot too. It always seems like I never quite fit in anywhere. And being in a new city and new church is really tough. I know what you mean about going to young adult group and wondering if you belong. Everybody I've met here seems to be either few years younger or few years older. A lot of times I wonder why I left Livingwater; I miss the people that I've gotten close with and now I can't really be there to live life with them. It's really discouraging, actually, and a couple of times I just wanted to give up trying to find fellowship here altogether.
But I was reminded that whatever situation we're placed in is where God intends for us to be. Maybe I'm supposed to serve and to love onto these people that I barely know; maybe that's how God is teaching me to love and to grow in compassion. I'm going to trust that as long as I keep opening myself up and serving my church, then community will follow no matter where I am and however unfamiliar everything is.
Small groups is starting for me soon. I remember how I used to love being in the small group led by you and Janie. Hope you things get easier for you.
Joanne